Lamberhurst in Lockdown

We are making an irreverant record of Lamberhurst in Lockdown, much of it completely fictitious, with the merest hint of reality.

The record will be backed, musically, not financially - unfortunately, by various local singers and 'musicians' doing a version, God help us, of the classic 'Lean on Me' by Bill Withers.

Drawing from the English tradition of firmly tongue in cheek humour by the likes of P.G.Wodehouse, Humphrey Littleton, The Office, The Ealing Comedies and Mr W Shakespeare we paint a picture of a village not only surviving but thriving.

But what does this mean for you, dear reader? (Jane Austen had a local connection by the way)

If you live, have lived or have some connection with the Parish of Lamberhurst then we would like you to get involved.

If you don't all you can do is admire :)

Involvement will take many forms. For example if you have a voice that can keep a tune for more than five seconds volunteer to join the chorus. Below you will find a list of other things we need help with.

Why are we bothering?

Basically because we were bored.

The other thing was that we actually have people who live in the village with an extraordinary range of talents, some useful, some questionnable, all interesting.

So we decided that we should extend our activity to our fellow parishioners who are probably a bit bored as well.

The objective is to get as many people as possible engaged by singing, playing an instrument, writing, dancing (particularly the Lamberhurst Lambada), and other community related boredom avoidance strategies.

At the end of lockdown, when it is safe, we intend to do a live version of Lamberhurst in Lockdown, unless, of course, our talents are recognised by Hollywood beforehand and we get signed up to a major studio in which case all bets are off.

Unlikely, but some guy just got a major recording contract for singing a non Sea Shanty on social media so you never know.

So we plan for the big get together to take place round about July, unless, of course, we get a better offer.

ps. As a life long folkie I and thousands of others of that ilk have been chanting shanties for years without being picked up by a recording studio. I am not bitter but...........

How can I get involved?

There are a number of things you can do. Not all of them completely pointless or stupid.

Why not become a scribe for The Lamberhurst Lay, our 16th Century tabloid. You could be a foreign correspondent, you would have to live at least 15 leagues away, a sports writer, although you would have to invent a 16th Century sport like Carts to do that, an obituary writer, lots of opportunities in Tudor England, crime reporter, wouldn't advise it they tend to have short careers etc..etc..

As Editor I would like someone to do a cookery column, think of blackbirds and pie type of thing, Vegan alternatives are acceptable and a 16th century crossword, bear in mind that the answer to all the questions would probably have to be an X as the population was generally illiterate.

Help organise The Lamberhurst Electronic Lockdown Olympics or LELO for short. Awards ceremony for LELO Awards, football and golf, to be held in July. I now just need someone to organise the competition.

Will I get paid? Best not to ask.


Musicianship: The term is used very loosely here.

To help you understand what we mean there is an old adage which says that a gentleman is defined by someone who can play the accordion but chooses not to.

So if you can play a real instrument like keyboards, strings, woodwind or brass your village needs you.

On the other hand if you are a whizz at anything borderline like the Swanee Whistle, the Ocarina, Jews harp, Ukelele, or banjo we will find somewhere to fit you in.

The music we will be performing is the song 'Lean on Me' by Bill Withers. It is in the key of C, and we mean it.

To sing, strum, twang, or hum along either, in the words of the song, call me, or send an email.

You will note that I appear to have forgotten to mention drummers. Let's move on.


An example of a borderline 'instrument'

Other Skills 1


If you have some nice snaps of the village then we would like to consider using them in the blockbuster video we are about to launch.

Will you get paid for them - not a chance, but you will be able to brag to your friends about it.

We can use images in the following formats, jpg, gif, png, not, for the love of God, tiff files, known to techies as thousands of incompatible file formats.

To send the images you will be given a link once you have, again in the words of the song, called me or sent me an email.

Other Skills 2

Video editing

If you are able to edit videos, including adding effects like sub titles to any standard vaguely approaching competence you are a human being sans pariel.

Having said that, will you get paid for it - again not a chance, but your name will echo down the ages, well, at least until the pubs reopen. Fame indeed is fleeting

Unlike the others whatever effort is required to allow you to send us your creations even unto a coach and horses. Well, not really, but we would be really grateful, at least until, I refer you to my earlier remarks.

More in hope than in Expectation 1

An Artist

A photographer captures a millisecond in a picture whereas an artist can capture a millenia. We would like to work with an artist.

Like many others my own skills in this are at a level below that required to produce matchstick figures of any gender.

The work will be unpaid which is traditional amongst budding artists where grinding poverty appears to be a necessary qualification for greatness, as is madness.

We would emphasise that we would expect the successful candidate to still have two ears. To be absolutely clear that means not just possessing some but still having them attached to the side of your head.

One can take these things too far. Please also note we neither provide garret nor absinthe.

More in hope than in Expectation 2

Writer (s)

Good writers are as rare as hen's teeth.

We need people of wit and intelligence to provide copy for both this website and for The Lamberhurst Lay, a publication found in the archives dating back to 1525. See Above. Think Horrible Histories without the happy endings about sums up the writing style.

If you can actually do web page stuff then that would be great as well.


Some people have already complained that some of the links on the new whizz bang website don't work.

Undeniably true. But knocking this stuff out takes time you know. I have been doing web based stuff ever since the web was invented, self taught. I sometimes wonder why I bothered.

Anyway it will probably never really be finished as was the vision behind Memex which is where all this stuff came from in 1945.

Yip, 1945, when most of your grandparents were still blundering around in the blitz and eating whales. Vannevar Bush had this idea of a universal repository of knowledge accessible free to all mankind. Pity it didn't work out.

If you do not know what Xanadu and Memex are I truly pity you. Read all about the sheer lunacy of it here.


This is the easy way to send music files. Just click on choose file, select the one you want then hit submit.

Note that I said 'music' files. This is simply for musos to send their finished and, more likely uncompleted works, not snappers, smudgers or allied trades.



Phone: Only landline as reception is so bad in the village you are better using carrier pigeons. Actually it is worse than that. It would be better, cheaper and less frustrating to buy a pigeon loft, some eggs and breed the damn pigeons yourself.

Sorry, The number is 01892 890609